Author: nataliebotero

We just have a hard time saying it. Here we want to solve the puzzle of connection, to return the love, to be free of guilt, and to address the unresolved emotions from childhood, among many other things. As they say, a Love unexpressed is like a symphony playing in the desert. In our thoughts, do you hear you or the other say:?

• “I think I want to say….”
• “What is it?”
• “How do I finally ask the difficult question?”
• “Am I important when you look away?”

Can you hear the feelings behind these words? What if I offer that what is going on underneath all of us during these times of desperate plea and puzzlement is: Frustration, Longing, Desire, Holding Back, Concern, Compassion, Caring

First, describe the thoughts you think about the situation. The purely intellectual side of things, your judgments. What are the feelings that come up? Reflect what you may be needing. Then make a strategy to get to where you want to be in the situation. Maybe you will need to make a request of someone, but be willing to hear a No.

If you’re in a situation where you’ve attracted a similar type of hurtful relationship or life condition that you have previously, you can tell yourself simply, “I’m already done with this lesson. I’ve graduated. Don’t need to repeat this.” And it is so.

The manifestation of our dreams and desires is our natural human urge. The Angels consider that necessary for our purpose, peace and happiness. The way it is delivered and when and in what form is up to the highest good. Let go of expectations, but keep them positive. Obstacles and delays are where Divine Timing works in your favor.

What Lies Underneath our Frustrations in Connecting

Speaking back in your own style first, without knowing the NVC process, is a natural process. It’s easy to get confused or intimidated by a new version of speech you’re unfamiliar with. Remember, learning is vulnerable. Right or wrong as judgments to the “excellency” of your speech can really trip you up when learning a new way to express your feelings, and vulnerably admit your needs.

When I started out learning this new language, I realized I had no words that sounded completely “compassionate.” My words were instead, as I reflect, passionate and definitely judgmental. I had a lot of anger, and I wished for a way to establish a better relationship with my partner, but was so frustrated. I “felt” in ways that were accusations like, I would say, “I feel pushed around by you. You make me feel like I’m not respected.” There was just no room in my emotions for diplomacy, especially not for interruptions and my partner’s hypocrisy in dropping me off at NVC meetings while he went somewhere else. So, came the question of patience, and here, as I sat through an empathy circle exercise, I couldn’t believe there were people who could understand what I was going through and did not judge me.

NVC and the compassionate folks who empathized with me that day could reframe my conflict with my partner in a way that showed me about my needs and my associated feelings. When needs are not met, we have negative feelings. When needs are met, we have positive feelings. They posit that we all have universal needs and feelings that we may connect upon and with each other, no matter who or what.

I read in a book by an NVC facilitator the story that a man was held up by gun point one night and the man reflected empathy to the gunman. The gunman started weeping, said thank you and left.

However, there is a very important thing to learn about safety that the mystery of NVC has taught me. Empathy in your actions, your tones, your soul, the spirit you exude, can prevent something like that from ever happening in the first place. I may add, peace is not always peaceful. It takes a lot to learn to stay peaceful when facing diversity in life, while exercising the importance of examining your childhood, while being in relationship. The ironic truth here is, in this whole course, is that the language of NVC is not uniform, necessary or standard. The words are different, but they are spoken in every dialect, slang, greeting, and fight. Listening deeply means listening to the different accents and tones in everyone’s voice. The laugh you make may be your own.

How Do We Listen?

We begin with the basic stances to listening. What it takes to really hear someone and be heard. We want to listen and attune to a style of empathy that non-verbally conveys to your listener that what they are saying is extremely important. That we care about the other person’s way of thinking and want to hang on every word, illustrating too that this is the effort we are willing to make. It takes an effort to get out of one’s head, one’s ways of thinking, assumptions about how all things should be, etc. Growth comes from the point when you cannot go anywhere else but out of yourself. We need others to keep ourselves from going off the deep ends of our own minds, to see clearly, and to win. Win not in the way of competition or dominance, but fullness, happiness and joy as a social sentient human being craving to contribute outside of oneself.

Communication skills to enhance personal enjoyment in relationships is fun learning of the use of insightful words to capture your delight in the art of conversation. More fun, more laughter, more peace, clarity and solutions. Even after a conflict, tension, outright blowups, you will see that people generally tend to want to deescalate and return to emotional homeostasis. We also want our words to be potent and easily understood, and we want to feel the inspirational fullness of meaning from our own words.

Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., the godfather of Nonviolent Communication, or Compassionate Communication, often wrote poems and sang songs to illustrate the powerful peace of potent words. I tried my hands at these below:

“Listening with Empathy is an art. Gone to its deepest, it is a transformational healing at the core. It is a  portal that the heart created, no greater, no lesser than the way you are. Begin where you’re at, grow big and start small.”

“Taking footsteps to connection inside this day and age, brings our cultural language to the NVC plate. We want an understanding of our human needs and feelings, and one we all share is the human desire for a peace break!”

Empathic listening first simplifies the theoretical into a force for the practical and the actual transformation of feeling, taking the attempt to transform the cultural conditioning built into our language from a “faults and defenses” paradigm to a “no fault and transparent” love for one another.

Understanding is a Process, too: What Might it Have to do with Empathy?

 “There is a special kind of suffering that blesses us. Let us acknowledge and live its gifts, because it’s hard to hear a death’s suddenness.”        —–Natalie Botero, M.A.

To heal a relationship that has broken down from a lot of insecurities, truthful blunt communication may have resulted in many accusations. We can never read a person’s mind to the full, so we must endeavor to listen, without getting mad, and try to be patient with the process of learning compassionate communication, or empathically becoming reattuned to your partner and feel the Love in the space between the two. Expressing the anger, in a connective way, is possible as empathy can deescalate fury and constant conflict.

Here’s a case:

As my relationship with my girlfriend continues to be argumentative, I sometimes want to throw in the towel and just give up. I don’t know how to stop becoming defensive and walking out of the room. I want love and connection from my significant other.

I feel guilt over being late on our date nights too many times. When I try to explain why to her, she just doesn’t listen. I feel hurt, shut out and hopeless. I feel I need peace of mind, a sense of security, and a way to be reassured from my partner that she still loves and cares for me.

What do I honestly say or do?

 i have a hunch here, as an empathic person, that she needs and wants the same thing, too. Yes, it’s a process to hear the truth openly, whether it’s good or bad news. I suggest that Understanding is the best quality time spent, to sit together in the process. Ask yourself if you’re willing to listen to her first, to surrender to a request, and be ok with a yes instead of a No? Because after you’ve calmed down with empathy, you might have more ability to be patient with the offset and persist if you care about the both of you by offering moments together in silence.

Sounds familiar too! Lol.

I see you’re already starting to laugh and relax. No one should be able to ask for more than that! Maybe also, by a chance, you can see her perspective and tell her yours last. It’s not about putting yourself last, by any means. It’s a courtesy that love takes as the upper hand. 

What do you feel is her stance? A fear of abandonment or loss or something like that? Maybe an accusation and passive aggressive behavior is occurring because too much time has passed. Upfront and compassionate, a boundary and not a commandment, is the way the two of you could dance.

Well, thank you, I guess, for your kind suggestions and impressions. I am inspired by the challenge of loving lessons. And if I try first and do not succeed, we can always try again…..

It’s worth it. And Remember those thoughtful words that only say Thank you and Please! 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Empathy is not Oppression
I only got your impression.
And I thought it was a “bad” message.

What dialogue do you prefer?
And to whom
Him, Me, or Her?
I’m talking to you!
Is there damage there
That we have to control?
How do we know?

You “better” learn how to……?
Can anyone fill in the feeling __________.
Of what this poem is concealing?

without the fingerpoint or the tone

(You might be right!)

You see, a lot of the messages we hear and send
Without Accurate Empathy
We stick like mud
To an interpretation.
The truth is the truth.
It may piss you off
But it will set you Free.

No matter the language
You can listen.
No words sometimes.

just boundaries

Letting go and moving on
Is the limitations we hold.
But for a Rights education
We have Free Will choice.

I’d feel better if you came
Bravely from the noise,
Settled your drama
So we will All huddle in close
And listen,
I promise you,
If you’re still not dead
In a quivering heart
So much can be said.

——Natalie Botero, MA