What Lies Underneath our Frustrations in Connecting
Speaking back in your own style first, without knowing the NVC process, is a natural process. It’s easy to get confused or intimidated by a new version of speech you’re unfamiliar with. Remember, learning is vulnerable. Right or wrong as judgments to the “excellency” of your speech can really trip you up when learning a new way to express your feelings, and vulnerably admit your needs.
When I started out learning this new language, I realized I had no words that sounded completely “compassionate.” My words were instead, as I reflect, passionate and definitely judgmental. I had a lot of anger, and I wished for a way to establish a better relationship with my partner, but was so frustrated. I “felt” in ways that were accusations like, I would say, “I feel pushed around by you. You make me feel like I’m not respected.” There was just no room in my emotions for diplomacy, especially not for interruptions and my partner’s hypocrisy in dropping me off at NVC meetings while he went somewhere else. So, came the question of patience, and here, as I sat through an empathy circle exercise, I couldn’t believe there were people who could understand what I was going through and did not judge me.
NVC and the compassionate folks who empathized with me that day could reframe my conflict with my partner in a way that showed me about my needs and my associated feelings. When needs are not met, we have negative feelings. When needs are met, we have positive feelings. They posit that we all have universal needs and feelings that we may connect upon and with each other, no matter who or what.
I read in a book by an NVC facilitator the story that a man was held up by gun point one night and the man reflected empathy to the gunman. The gunman started weeping, said thank you and left.
However, there is a very important thing to learn about safety that the mystery of NVC has taught me. Empathy in your actions, your tones, your soul, the spirit you exude, can prevent something like that from ever happening in the first place. I may add, peace is not always peaceful. It takes a lot to learn to stay peaceful when facing diversity in life, while exercising the importance of examining your childhood, while being in relationship. The ironic truth here is, in this whole course, is that the language of NVC is not uniform, necessary or standard. The words are different, but they are spoken in every dialect, slang, greeting, and fight. Listening deeply means listening to the different accents and tones in everyone’s voice. The laugh you make may be your own.
Empathy is Poetry 