Sitting outside in the South. Writing on the street in a small town. What I’m doing looks interesting. You might see. I’m obviously entertained by my own thoughts. I’ve been able to concentrate because I’m afraid to look up.
More often than not, sitting outside on the street, people walking by, it’s not judgment I’m getting. Its interest. More often for me it’s judgement.
This is what a writer reads. Sigmund Freud, Shel Silverstein. Friends til the end of distress. Look! A born artist, a judgment catcher, a belonger to those who belong. If I sit here making the coffeehouse look good any longer, shove me in the shallow hot water. I get up to walk.
Stereotypes are like noise in the eyes. In knowing a human, you’ll be surprised. We’re not all good nor all bad. Our level of education, our race, bank account and gender can give to us. But down we all go again if we believe who told lies. That’s why I look forward to getting older, and that’s a lucky thing too, because we do. The age of maturity is actually more vulnerable, because you’ve lived long enough to see through to it that there’s less to hold onto. That’s why believers believe so strong. Because growth is so painful, but it’s what we must do.
They bully me. I find an outlet for my anger. I’m juiced up. But I gotta sit.
How do we know we are not listening to silence? Sounds are a call out for silence. Like a dog barking to alert us of something noisy and unusual, like a car horn trumpeting for attention and order, like a baby crying for comfort…their signal an attempt at peace.
If you’re from Hell, are you protected? The forces see you as formidable, your demise imminent, stirring up the sleeping good to action.
There’s always a limit to what we know, and we can get comfortable with that. So, GROW. Take every opportunity to learn and demand answers.
Anger. It’s the last emotion we allow ourselves to talk about/express because it feels unsafe and has consequences within our relationships. It is seen as the dividing factor between us. Without its expression, our minds become consumed by resentment. Emotional survival and the grapple for safety are hard impulses to overcome when anger has been buried under the rug for so long. All the while, anger has been exploring the opportunity for opening to a hard talk with someone.
If we can sit in our discomfort precariously, balanced uneasily on tinder hooks for the time it lasts, you’ll gain so much stamina to face reality and become a person that others can go to. What is painful is the person who can’t face their reality and must live dissociated from the truth of who they really are and their effect on others. A lot of us who know these persons can be protecting them from facing their pain, thus enabling the illusion to continue. I believe a policy of asking for the truth while learning skilled boundaries about a person is extremely beneficial for the village and tantamount to the character.
How do we reclaim the village?
Our potential for suffering within the family we come from can be minimized by expressing ourselves and being listened to.
We’ll call it being a “skilled-wise” person: To practice opening your emotional perception and emotional literacy, by just letting your thoughts and feelings flow. You’re having tea with your mind and a listen to your heart. Letting creative perceptions, thoughts, words, emotions to release. Trust and live the process out. Sustain it as long as you can. You are putting feelings into words and owning them as an expert. Sovereignty over your inner being, and a coming reverence for your inner self, is key for living a balanced and healthy emotional life.
Her triggers induced reactivity, which causes a loss of empathy. How can they create a connection?
Judging the other person occurs, evaluating their behavior. This leaves her to fight, to lambast, to hurl accusations. Then, she can’t reconnect because she is raw from the words, producing shame, guilt, and vulnerability. It almost causes them both to lose functioning.
What you’re seeing is trauma in a relationship, which shows her fundamental sense of insecurity. These trust issues are thrown upfront, leaving the relationship confused. She wants insight to understand and be understood. This lack of safety was already inside her, her trauma the basis of her reactions. Her unmet needs for security are projected as the responsibility of her partner. Her partner doesn’t know, but he has felt the backlash several times.
She cascades from the gradual lack of intimacy between the two of them. She is not sure whether it is because her partner is unwilling, but she cascades deeper into fear. There are patterns of attack, then a feeling of numbness, then an undeniable craving for nurturing.
This is splitting. When we identify with this sense of chaos and inevitable destruction of a treasured relationship, we will never retain the reassurance given to us by our partner. They are probably feeling at a loss as to how to calm you down, eventually wearying of the futile efforts and the dwindling options on how to cooperate.
What does she yearn for? Instead, she needs self-validation. She tells herself she is failing, evoking in her sadness, hurt, and despair. Wait! This is devastating! How does she prove herself effective in changing her partner and making him do such and such? She wants to feel cherished.
How is trust established if no trust is given? Take a deep breath. Underneath the words, they hear you, but they do not hear from you.
The challenge is to save the relationship, or at least survive while it’s changing. It’s a change that feels overwhelming. What you need is communication, but most importantly, to listen. To disarm yourself from the knee-jerk attack mode. What every fight we engage in is about is ultimately, “I’m afraid to lose you.” Though she says, “I am tough just because I am very truthful. I do have boundaries, and I have needs. I don’t settle.” This underlying dynamic has changed everything.
This may describe a familiar experience in many intimate relationships. Although this can be a temporary state, over time we fear this can sabotage our relationships. The trauma that is alive causing the animal to survive is the fear of abandonment. The idea that we may be abandoned before we are causes rejection. You feel unheard and your partner feels undervalued. Take heart! It’s not the End Times. You can take action. On becoming a friend.
Can you be a friend to yourself first? The responsibility in the relationship lies with, yes, both of you. But can you take up your true desire to maintain love with your partner and give to them what you most want from them? Listen to them and disarm yourself. To go towards understanding actually empowers you to be in the lead role in your relationship. You don’t want to confront him; you want to appreciate him. Yes, I said appreciate him. He is taking your direction, taking your insults, and taking you to the next level, which is to take on yourself.
Think of the idea of “regret minimization” and vow to approach your inner conflicts with outward displays of peace to your partner. You’re fine, you just have fears. Could they be wounds?
Does it come from someone else, necessarily? When your need is unmet or when your need is met, how are you feeling? Can you trust your feelings and intuition to tell you when you are satisfied or discontented?
What are you feeling about your need being met or unmet? If you need something from someone else, be sure to make a concrete request and keep your communication clear and direct. Reflect and ask what their needs are, too. Ask the person if you got it right. Show them you care and that their thought is important to you. Reflect to them what you think they mean. How do you feel for them? Do you feel the empathy for them now?
Acknowledge the feelings you have and the feelings they are having. Ask if you got it right. Say something like, “I can see that you are feeling_____”; “It sounds like_______”; “Let me see if I’m getting this right_______.”
Discuss together how you are going to go about meeting those needs.
EXAMPLE OF EMPATHIC REFLECTION:
“It sounds like there have been many times that I’ve hurt you and you want to even the score and get back at me. You must be awfully furious with me. It sounds like you are also afraid. You may have the need to be seen and to matter, that you haven’t been able to connect with me to convey your feelings because you need connection and empathy. You sound angry because I’m hurting you and you have not gotten the acknowledgement and apology from me that would re-establish a harmonious connection.”
How to Make an Empathic Reflection
When we paraphrase by paying attention to particular words which seem to capture the essence of what you and the other are expressing, we can then check for accuracy. Instead of parroting the entire story, we can focus micro-shifts that are being made while matching the tone and energy. Here are three examples of reflections that connect the listener with the speaker:
Speaker: I am not influencing the group the way I had hoped.
Listener (recap): You’re saying you had hoped to influence the group differently.
Listener (empathic reflection): Are you sad, longing to connect more deeply with the group?
Listener (reframing): It sounds like you can envision a better way to have the influence you want?
Empathy is feeling the other deeply, as one in the same, and feeling the desire to alleviate the suffering of the other. Empathy is an action connected to the compassionate choice that ethics holds us responsible for. It is what is most real.
Mostly, words promise to bring more hope back into your life and the world. Speech that carries a message of unity and fairness to all is remembered. These basic touch points are based in empathy. In other words, they address the universal needs of humanity. Now, following through is much more complex.
Empathy is Poetry 