Tag: love

The Still Be Loved

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Something that’s solid was this—our survival was met, our growth abundant, our love deepened, our Now different, our sadness confirmed. We’re sitting at the dinner table tonight. 

There is some life issue operating underneath our shaky feet beneath the table. My partner’s eyes meet mine. Thinking I had grown, I had the courage to wink at her. I’m not strong.  Just plant your feet on that invisible ground and choose to be held up by your struggling, I heard an inner voice tell me. We’ve made it so far. 

She speaks from an Idealized self-image where she believes her intellectual professions deserve finality. Too much inside her craft to know you can never master it. She became what she and we all most fear. She understands things emotionally. Her family are as dry as sticks. They really have to defend their incorrectness. Inside of her lived a self-glorification, childlike, totally illusioned, not good at hiding except from herself. She seemed to operate from a need for validation from others, ceaseless in her needs for validation. 

Sssshh. Let’s get back to the family dinner where we are happy and expert at…inspection. Since we made the grade ourselves without being courageous enough to say anything, she is revealing typos in her understanding, and we are hearing the word “relationship” as her punctuation. That “forever love” always was her main whim, and something in her at dinner in front of all of us darting our eyes made her say, “Oh finally! I waited all my life for him. I knew he was going to come, but I knew he’d show up. I’m grown! It’s gonna come. Nothing will come between us!” Glancing at wisdom and not admitting we didn’t understand her optimism, the watery queasiness in moment-only recognition, murk-seeing connection was what she yearned to repeatedly capture. With our past discovery of each other, she still had the same language gluing the two of us into hypnotic safety, relief and elusive bliss. I remember the day I walked to her as we planned to meet like this on the day. My razor voice, chiseled features, aloof downy hair, trapped tight muscles that were strong and agitated. She was losing air for words, and we were trembling in fervency. For different reasons, everything happens anyway. 

Eventually, I let myself tell her what was going on in my mind. The story we were telling each other about situations had a problem. It was the way situations were “going” and how it was “unfolding” that wasn’t even the right conversation. Yet, I secretly held back my intuition that the main destination is never going to be won. Maybe a new theory on life just happened. Maybe she’s in love with the ending. Maybe, so she can get on with finding the love for herself. Maybe to tell her what she wants doesn’t exist. 

I’ve come to a personal theory that the eyes are affected by the experiences we have in this life, as well as by all we have been through as a soul throughout eternity. You can tell in the eyes who is used to telling the truth and who is not. Yes, the truth and the eyes are another language. You cannot reverse being wounded. And wizened. 

This has been my process to recover—challenges to concentrate, extreme longing, feelings bordering on despair, like I could slip off a rock on the way there, fall, and hope to die. Sometimes drunk and splattering, honest in my fumbling. Defending my honor, taking great aims to make what I want. 

Narcissism is much more than a celebration of performances. How about for hard work? How about for trying and risking? For our sleeping spirits reflected open? 

Intensity is ALL the way through. 

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FREE Angelic Messages Channeling Salon online event on Tonight at 8pm EST/5pm PST

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The Angelic Messages Channeling Salon is an open forum reading to a group of people who wish to hear messages straight from the Archangels and Guardian Angels. The idea was born of a vivid dream I had in which Archangel Michael asked me to organize this gallery reading to transmit his messages of personal healing and evolution. I have conducted this meeting to many groups of people so far, and it is always a great success! The Angels hope to connect you to Spirit and to a community that is open to the benefits of this type of event. The Angels would love an opportunity to touch you as honored guests.  

If you are wondering what your angels have been trying to tell you and you have loved ones from the Other Side you would like to reconnect with, bring your healing prayers for family, friends, community and planet and join in this special night guided by the Angels for a profound healing. Join Angelic Channel Natalie online on Zoom as she channels messages from the Archangels, Guardian Angels and your loved ones in Spirit. Each group member will be read in an individualized open gallery style. 

About Natalie Botero, MA.

Holds a Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling and in her practice blends psycho-therapeutic knowledge and technique with an accurate psychic intuition to clarify personal issues to help you make the best choices in your life. Very accurate and specific guidance is given with details that are undetected by most conventional therapies and come from her years of experience immersed in her passion of helping people of all walks of life.

Starting with an apprenticeship in healing in San Francisco, her own therapy work, 50 hours of training in Nonviolent Communication, an incredible 3-year experience in Core Energetics, direct service as a social worker, mental health associate, academic teacher, group facilitator, Reiki healer and teacher, continual transpersonal study and exploration, and graduate schooling, Natalie then realized that she had the ability to hear and speak to Angels. That radically changed her life and is also changing the lives of others.

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Daring in Marriage 

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They were in the midst of a marriage that was calling for a deeper commitment. And as soon as that hit, one of them cheated. 

Easier than that, both of them opted out. The first reaction of her best friend was to worry and overthink that supporting him was wrong and that she found herself between the two of them. They did nothing but point out his sorry excuses and that she was right to listen to herself, and she thought that she exactly needed that kind of support. She cried and told her friend exactly that. 

The problem is, she is not satisfied with blaming him. She rather take full blame on herself, come to think of it. She knows he felt rejected all the time, because of her feelings and the way she expressed them. Regardless the reactions being assailed, what he feared the most weren’t those reactions, but her change in FEELINGS towards him. He was devastated precisely because he could not change the fact that her feelings for him had changed. He died against that. He could not stop being hurt by that. 

He changed how she felt because of his inaction, funnily enough. Her reactions were a consequence of what he could not change in himself. He felt rejected and mostly blamed for not predicting calamities and being the man to prevent them. Female intuition reigned over male intuition. He did not draw the connections, and over time she felt she was taking on all the weight. The weight was waterlogged with emotion, the tidal wave was spurned by the same fight each time. He could not heal the rift and distancing gulf between them. The two of them became two different individuals, after all. 

This is an addictive relationship pattern. Her interpretation of his behavior kept her externally focused, her pain was controlling him. What do you want to do for him, instead of say to him? Both of them were deserving of freedom, but the fear of the pain of losing one another kept their attachment painfully bound. He needed the core strength and validation of his worth to her; she needed reprieve from the responsibility of meeting life’s challenges at every turn.  

In the end, at the recognition that each of them were inseparably different and needed their individual freedom, there ultimately came the hard decision to cut the chords and allow the rift to grow and drift them apart. What could have been done? The marriage.

 

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Cascading in Dating 

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Her triggers induced reactivity, which causes a loss of empathy. How can they create a connection? 

Judging the other person occurs, evaluating their behavior. This leaves her to fight, to lambast, to hurl accusations. Then, she can’t reconnect because she is raw from the words, producing shame, guilt, and vulnerability. It almost causes them both to lose functioning.  

What you’re seeing is trauma in a relationship, which shows her fundamental sense of insecurity. These trust issues are thrown upfront, leaving the relationship confused. She wants insight to understand and be understood. This lack of safety was already inside her, her trauma the basis of her reactions. Her unmet needs for security are projected as the responsibility of her partner. Her partner doesn’t know, but he has felt the backlash several times. 

She cascades from the gradual lack of intimacy between the two of them. She is not sure whether it is because her partner is unwilling, but she cascades deeper into fear. There are patterns of attack, then a feeling of numbness, then an undeniable craving for nurturing.  

This is splitting. When we identify with this sense of chaos and inevitable destruction of a treasured relationship, we will never retain the reassurance given to us by our partner. They are probably feeling at a loss as to how to calm you down, eventually wearying of the futile efforts and the dwindling options on how to cooperate.  

What does she yearn for? Instead, she needs self-validation. She tells herself she is failing, evoking in her sadness, hurt, and despair. Wait! This is devastating! How does she prove herself effective in changing her partner and making him do such and such? She wants to feel cherished. 

How is trust established if no trust is given? Take a deep breath. Underneath the words, they hear you, but they do not hear from you.  

The challenge is to save the relationship, or at least survive while it’s changing. It’s a change that feels overwhelming. What you need is communication, but most importantly, to listen. To disarm yourself from the knee-jerk attack mode. What every fight we engage in is about is ultimately, “I’m afraid to lose you.” Though she says, “I am tough just because I am very truthful. I do have boundaries, and I have needs. I don’t settle.” This underlying dynamic has changed everything. 

This may describe a familiar experience in many intimate relationships. Although this can be a temporary state, over time we fear this can sabotage our relationships. The trauma that is alive causing the animal to survive is the fear of abandonment. The idea that we may be abandoned before we are causes rejection. You feel unheard and your partner feels undervalued. Take heart! It’s not the End Times. You can take action. On becoming a friend. 

Can you be a friend to yourself first? The responsibility in the relationship lies with, yes, both of you. But can you take up your true desire to maintain love with your partner and give to them what you most want from them? Listen to them and disarm yourself. To go towards understanding actually empowers you to be in the lead role in your relationship. You don’t want to confront him; you want to appreciate him. Yes, I said appreciate him. He is taking your direction, taking your insults, and taking you to the next level, which is to take on yourself.  

Think of the idea of “regret minimization” and vow to approach your inner conflicts with outward displays of peace to your partner. You’re fine, you just have fears. Could they be wounds?  

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