Terror in the South

Sitting outside in the South. Writing on the street in a small town. What I’m doing looks interesting. You might see. I’m obviously entertained by my own thoughts. I’ve been able to concentrate because I’m afraid to look up.  

More often than not, sitting outside on the street, people walking by, it’s not judgment I’m getting. Its interest. More often for me it’s judgement. 

This is what a writer reads. Sigmund Freud, Shel Silverstein. Friends til the end of distress. Look! A born artist, a judgment catcher, a belonger to those who belong. If I sit here making the coffeehouse look good any longer, shove me in the shallow hot water. I get up to walk. 

Stereotypes are like noise in the eyes. In knowing a human, you’ll be surprised. We’re not all good nor all bad. Our level of education, our race, bank account and gender can give to us. But down we all go again if we believe who told lies. That’s why I look forward to getting older, and that’s a lucky thing too, because we do. The age of maturity is actually more vulnerable, because you’ve lived long enough to see through to it that there’s less to hold onto. That’s why believers believe so strong. Because growth is so painful, but it’s what we must do. 

They bully me. I find an outlet for my anger. I’m juiced up. But I gotta sit. 

How do we know we are not listening to silence? Sounds are a call out for silence. Like a dog barking to alert us of something noisy and unusual, like a car horn trumpeting for attention and order, like a baby crying for comfort…their signal an attempt at peace. 

If you’re from Hell, are you protected? The forces see you as formidable, your demise imminent, stirring up the sleeping good to action. 

Why do I feel less than dignity? 

A Different Type of Street 

A different type of street. Some peoples’ gazes bounce off the beggars. 

And I have not even learned to sit comfortably yet. 

The homeless are all sitting around. It’s a sightseeing wonder. Everyone’s truthful, intelligent, surrounded by simplicity, a national wit, a comical cynicism, honesty, a unity of storytellers, inspired by the language of the streets, and of the soul. 

Walking down this different type of street, a culture, a country occupied for everyone but me, the harsh air billows through my nose, and I only smell the cold. The cold has a scent. Warm winters dismay me. Warm houses disturb me, thinking me a lesser human who can’t survive without a modern heat unit. I come outside to join the city corner. 

I want the biting chill, for the excuse to keep warm. On my own. Whiskers, Eugene, and Jo-Rod, the court royals of the corner of 16th St. and Mission, no fire allowed on the curb anymore, are huddled and scratching some part of their confused temples as I walk by waving, and I am suddenly embarrassed. Wishing I was one of the guys.  

The essence of their hunger, brooding, romantically pulls me in. Attention comes to them from some of those like me on the outside, pulling goodwill and helplessness towards me like naivete’s charity. Mel, Lady, and Charity understand something about the shiftiness of the Universe and told me about it once. Afterwards, they try to insist that they can offer more, but I guessed I knew enough on my own to repeat a mistake.  

Eugene always seems to have a new bicycle and some incredible goods for the guys on the corner. He is a popular businessman and funny without trying to be. His face is red and he loves coffee. He always manages to get me a sandwich no matter how hard he had to hustle.  

Which reminds me: where is my family? A human being inside a home is differently reminded by a day’s priorities than a human being without a home, it seems. Getting to shelter, keeping to shelter, rightful ownership and busy. Busy. Passing by on the street only makes it tolerable if the intention to give is there, but you didn’t, you couldn’t look, but you did not have anything in your pockets that day, either. Otherwise, a stereotype is like a noise in the eyes and sharp glass in the heart. Which side judges most when there is a walk-by with the least connection? 

And yet, fellowship follows me, as nightly companions, a love that is not demanding. Gathering us up together, discovering some kind of transformation within me, I am wandering on gratitude and the laughter of nighttime in a dusk community. 

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The Still Be Loved

Something that’s solid was this—our survival was met, our growth abundant, our love deepened, our Now different, our sadness confirmed. We’re sitting at the dinner table tonight. 

There is some life issue operating underneath our shaky feet beneath the table. My partner’s eyes meet mine. Thinking I had grown, I had the courage to wink at her. I’m not strong.  Just plant your feet on that invisible ground and choose to be held up by your struggling, I heard an inner voice tell me. We’ve made it so far. 

She speaks from an Idealized self-image where she believes her intellectual professions deserve finality. Too much inside her craft to know you can never master it. She became what she and we all most fear. She understands things emotionally. Her family are as dry as sticks. They really have to defend their incorrectness. Inside of her lived a self-glorification, childlike, totally illusioned, not good at hiding except from herself. She seemed to operate from a need for validation from others, ceaseless in her needs for validation. 

Sssshh. Let’s get back to the family dinner where we are happy and expert at…inspection. Since we made the grade ourselves without being courageous enough to say anything, she is revealing typos in her understanding, and we are hearing the word “relationship” as her punctuation. That “forever love” always was her main whim, and something in her at dinner in front of all of us darting our eyes made her say, “Oh finally! I waited all my life for him. I knew he was going to come, but I knew he’d show up. I’m grown! It’s gonna come. Nothing will come between us!” Glancing at wisdom and not admitting we didn’t understand her optimism, the watery queasiness in moment-only recognition, murk-seeing connection was what she yearned to repeatedly capture. With our past discovery of each other, she still had the same language gluing the two of us into hypnotic safety, relief and elusive bliss. I remember the day I walked to her as we planned to meet like this on the day. My razor voice, chiseled features, aloof downy hair, trapped tight muscles that were strong and agitated. She was losing air for words, and we were trembling in fervency. For different reasons, everything happens anyway. 

Eventually, I let myself tell her what was going on in my mind. The story we were telling each other about situations had a problem. It was the way situations were “going” and how it was “unfolding” that wasn’t even the right conversation. Yet, I secretly held back my intuition that the main destination is never going to be won. Maybe a new theory on life just happened. Maybe she’s in love with the ending. Maybe, so she can get on with finding the love for herself. Maybe to tell her what she wants doesn’t exist. 

I’ve come to a personal theory that the eyes are affected by the experiences we have in this life, as well as by all we have been through as a soul throughout eternity. You can tell in the eyes who is used to telling the truth and who is not. Yes, the truth and the eyes are another language. You cannot reverse being wounded. And wizened. 

This has been my process to recover—challenges to concentrate, extreme longing, feelings bordering on despair, like I could slip off a rock on the way there, fall, and hope to die. Sometimes drunk and splattering, honest in my fumbling. Defending my honor, taking great aims to make what I want. 

Narcissism is much more than a celebration of performances. How about for hard work? How about for trying and risking? For our sleeping spirits reflected open? 

Intensity is ALL the way through. 

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