Her triggers induced reactivity, which causes a loss of empathy. How can they create a connection?
Judging the other person occurs, evaluating their behavior. This leaves her to fight, to lambast, to hurl accusations. Then, she can’t reconnect because she is raw from the words, producing shame, guilt, and vulnerability. It almost causes them both to lose functioning.
What you’re seeing is trauma in a relationship, which shows her fundamental sense of insecurity. These trust issues are thrown upfront, leaving the relationship confused. She wants insight to understand and be understood. This lack of safety was already inside her, her trauma the basis of her reactions. Her unmet needs for security are projected as the responsibility of her partner. Her partner doesn’t know, but he has felt the backlash several times.
She cascades from the gradual lack of intimacy between the two of them. She is not sure whether it is because her partner is unwilling, but she cascades deeper into fear. There are patterns of attack, then a feeling of numbness, then an undeniable craving for nurturing.
This is splitting. When we identify with this sense of chaos and inevitable destruction of a treasured relationship, we will never retain the reassurance given to us by our partner. They are probably feeling at a loss as to how to calm you down, eventually wearying of the futile efforts and the dwindling options on how to cooperate.
What does she yearn for? Instead, she needs self-validation. She tells herself she is failing, evoking in her sadness, hurt, and despair. Wait! This is devastating! How does she prove herself effective in changing her partner and making him do such and such? She wants to feel cherished.
How is trust established if no trust is given? Take a deep breath. Underneath the words, they hear you, but they do not hear from you.
The challenge is to save the relationship, or at least survive while it’s changing. It’s a change that feels overwhelming. What you need is communication, but most importantly, to listen. To disarm yourself from the knee-jerk attack mode. What every fight we engage in is about is ultimately, “I’m afraid to lose you.” Though she says, “I am tough just because I am very truthful. I do have boundaries, and I have needs. I don’t settle.” This underlying dynamic has changed everything.
This may describe a familiar experience in many intimate relationships. Although this can be a temporary state, over time we fear this can sabotage our relationships. The trauma that is alive causing the animal to survive is the fear of abandonment. The idea that we may be abandoned before we are causes rejection. You feel unheard and your partner feels undervalued. Take heart! It’s not the End Times. You can take action. On becoming a friend.
Can you be a friend to yourself first? The responsibility in the relationship lies with, yes, both of you. But can you take up your true desire to maintain love with your partner and give to them what you most want from them? Listen to them and disarm yourself. To go towards understanding actually empowers you to be in the lead role in your relationship. You don’t want to confront him; you want to appreciate him. Yes, I said appreciate him. He is taking your direction, taking your insults, and taking you to the next level, which is to take on yourself.
Think of the idea of “regret minimization” and vow to approach your inner conflicts with outward displays of peace to your partner. You’re fine, you just have fears. Could they be wounds?
Empathy is Poetry 