Author: nataliebotero

The tendency to avoid feelings that surface from within us when we give up our distractions and busy-ness is compelling and usually unconscious. Tending to our blocks lies in identifying our avoidant behaviors. At the same time, avoiding these existent feelings leaves us exhausted by the many tasks and labor it takes to keep up pretending.

Time with ourselves, alone and undistracted, is not a place to necessarily dwell in bad memories and depressing emotions. Nor is it a punishment to look squarely at our “flaws.” The weekend hours, perhaps, are dedicated to acknowledging and holding space for what simply burns.

“Burns” can be long held desires, hurt, wishes, losses, unprocessed trauma and its effects, worries, joys, excitement, hopes, and dreams. These instinctual burns are inside all of us, whether our motives are power and control or beneficial and evolutionary for our healing and potential. Your burns can feel like heat, chills, tightness, tension, or arousal throughout your body. Many times, they are repressed, suppressed, or ignored. These suppressed spiritual impulses are what blocks are. Blocks are always lurking; at the same time, they do not exist. They’re usually sitting right in the forefront of a dream being realized. In the sweeping of the house that we ultimately can’t avoid we approach the goldmine and stay perched on the cusp of realizing a long-held wish.

How to handle blocks so they do not block you first comes when you dig deep on that vacation to identify the following elements of your own personality. Remember that whatever is guiding you to do this is the soul and this soul is guiding you to transcend them if they are unhealthy and no longer serve you.

A woman who was my client, noticed that her Behavior was to quickly respond to whoever entered the room she was in. Being empathic and attuned to others’ needs, she operated by getting up from her work, being open to interruption, not eating or taking breaks because of her job’s demands. Her Behavior was finally known to be ways and strategies to keep her safe. If she could handle it all, it gave her a temporary sense of accomplishment and filled her need for harmony and order so she could find a little bit of peace. However, unconscious was the need for safety, so her impulses to control the environment constantly ended up exhausting her.

Just the same, her Theme from this behavior was Sacrifice. As we know, sacrifice was a way to keep her busy and honor her mother’s memory because she ultimately grieved the only person who took care of her needs. The Wound was Loss and the emotion was Grief. Grief is so deep and challenging and sometimes so uncomfortable to bear, especially when it hasn’t been processed fully. Many of us put the lock on the door of our grief and still try to get the door open at the same time. Knowing that her mother would ultimately wish the best life for her daughter would change her life, lead to a happier sorrow, and fulfill her mother’s desire for her daughter to live a better life. That was always what her sacrifice was for.

This example is not the same as ego, it is a defense mechanism. Character armoring, in my idea of it, is the place we do not let people see our vulnerabilities. Armor, so to say, would be the protection we wear so that others may not be able to hurt us again.

Masking is our appearance to the outside world. You may have heard the term “toxic positivity.” That is an example of the outward personality we present to the world that is in conflict with the way our wound inside actually feels.

In sum, what we need to identify and unpack is simply Fear. All of these aspects within our personalities have roots in our fears. Could you imagine the worst thing happening? Of course, and it may already has. We are pushing and fighting, lifting up our heads but searching around inside. What we need to do is the purging and undoing, loving ourselves, and in the forefront of our minds, simply turning our doubts about ourselves and our future into perspective.

The process of gaining perspective can really free us up from isolating in our fears. After all, with all of this masking and armoring in our personalities, how could we not feel not disconnected and alone from one another?  The truth you will find is that others have been through it, too. The most important thing you can do sometimes is compare your suffering with someone else’s.  If they did it, and you’re still here, what is there to fear?

Whether political, presidential, business, educational, corporate, or church and pastoral, leadership is complex and not what we would expect. Most people believe that leadership is glamorous, heroic, and comes with a high-profile lifestyle which involves public appearances, making speeches, driving expensive vehicles, and living in extravagant homes. But the roles of responsibility include high level stress, enormous pressure to perform, and entails a constant demand to always make the right tough decisions.

This message is not an essential guide on how to be a leader nor a “how to” of principles to become an effective leader. This is intended to inspire you to overcome the adversity that leaders face and build resilience through every trial. Acknowledging the darker sides to leadership should not dissuade you but make you proud of every triumph even if it is not affirmed from the outside. It may be seen in individuals and famous leaders that the magnitude of suffering someone has been through is proportional to the amount of power they exude. Taking on the challenges of leadership can ultimately lead to doing the impossible, realizing your dreams, and performing at your highest potential. Leadership is akin to a spiritual bootcamp that can be deeply humbling as well.

Knowing the downsides of leadership, for instance, its effect on the body, mind, and spirit, may empower you with knowledge, awareness, and most deeply important–self-knowledge. Who has the strength to take on these enormous tasks? Many think being a leader comes with respect and prestige and all the admiration, status, and power, but along the journey many find out a very different version. Leadership has pitfalls that demand that the leader learn from their mistakes and persevere. The fact that most leadership is public and involves the fate of multiple people, the responsibility is enormous. Who then has the strength? Maybe those who know both sides of success and of hardship and can remove from themselves the illusions.

So, let’s say you are standing at the helm of operations that affect a multitude of people, if you are informed of the pitfalls and the qualities required to navigate situations when you are often alone, you’ll know in advance what to expect and this knowledge will arm you with plans that benefit not just yourself but the whole.

Let that lead you to the realization that you are deserving of support even in the face of loneliness in these lofty heights, that your resilience is constant proof of your qualifications, and let it continue to cultivate in you a deeper capacity to feel compassion and respect for yourself and others. 

Power and ability in making an impact is measured in equal proportion to the amount of  hardship an individual has faced. Many great presidents who experienced bouts of mental illness were better able to respond to crises as opposed to presidents who did not experience mental health issues. Those leaders with “issues” were living in less illusion and could pinpoint the reality of situations with the fortitude they developed from experiencing hardships. Dr. Nassir Ghaemi, who runs the Mood Disorders Program at Tufts Medical Center in Boston, has an answer. In his new book, A First Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness, “Ghaemi lays out the argument that leaders with some mental illnesses, particularly mania or depression, are often better in times of crisis.” (interview with NPR, 2011)

Sometimes the internal demons are more difficult to face than the external trappings of being at the top. Leaders who have coincided with bouts of mental distress are more equipped than one would think and does not necessarily impair them from doing an effective job. Here they are, teetering on the edge, managing the complex dualities of the dark and light sides of power. Their leadership duties can be heartbreaking and even backbreaking, bearing a side that we often do not see, so the human behind the role has to be maintained, has to survive.

  Many scholars link leadership with “madness.” Remembering leaders who were vicious dictators and rageful authoritarians, we see the madness and illness some must have possessed. Stalin and Hitler, to name a few, were given the ultimate power that was corrupting and ultimately devastating. 

What kind of leader can you be?

Your Thought is Really Important to Me

Common statements in our cultural conditioning today are deeply imbedded beneath our language, possessing an almost seeming code that begs from the speaker only two questions: “Please” and “Thank you.” A yell or a scream or an insult is the inevitable part of the process of being human. Don’t you ever wonder about loss, or about feeling bad, low on the dial, on the level, proud and refreshed, clear, or guilty? Welcome to the social animal of humanity.

Following the points I’ve been making concerning the importance of communicating during hardship, there is this seminal breakdown to the approach to Nonviolent Communication designed for a way for us to open up to those we find difficult to resolve problems with. These are a few bullet points designed to show you the feelings and needs behind the words people say.

Down below are communicative statements that are attuned to Empathic Communication. They are reframes, if you will, of the truth behind only wanting, needing and connecting in Love and Cooperation.

Empathic Communication Attunement: What Would Loving Thoughts Sound Like?

• “Your thought is really important to me….” I CARE.
• “I rather be more honest here, but I feel her point is important for her to share first.”  I RESPECT. I HAVE COMPASSION.
• “I believe you are important, and I know what you have to say is believable.” I AM OPEN TO TRUTH. I DESIRE OPENNESS and CONNECTEDNESS. I WANT RESOLUTION. I VALUE BEING ON COMMON GROUND.
• “I feel better about myself today, so I will approach listening to people with an open curiosity.” I AM OPEN, OPTIMISTIC, and WANT TO CONTRIBUTE.
• ” Even though I do not agree with his statements on leadership in this situation, I strive for a way to survive this conversational lesson.” I LOVE TO LEARN AND GROW AND EXPAND. I AM CLEAR ON EFFECTIVENESS—IT GOES AGAINST MY AIM FOR HARMONY TO BEAR HOSTILITY.
• “I would like to pause and perceive her facial expressions while she fills her need to fill in the details.” I AM PATIENT. I MAKE AN EFFORT FOR HER TO PROCESS. I NOTICE BEAUTY. HER ARRIVAL TO CLARITY BENEFITS MINE TOO. I VALUE THE EFFORT FOR COOPERATION TO HAPPEN.
• “I don’t know what his point is, so I am going to ask him a few questions and listen so he has a safe space for clarification.”  I CONTRIBUTE and I OFFER LOVE. I HOLD SPACE AND OFFER SAFETY. MY GENEROSITY COMPLETES MY NEED FOR SELFLOVE. I AM ENHANCED BY PARTICIPATION AND ACTIVE LISTENING.

Let’s tell the Truth. It is not always easy to be patient while listening to a diverse group with challenging opinions. We may jump to fix, or stifle each other unintentionally, shifting uncomfortably with the thwarted opportunity to be heard. Premeditation and paused responses is a practice and benefits greatly the outcome of interactive growth between people. Instead of feeling limited by the idea of compromise, translating language into understanding can lead to a better chance of achieving win-win solutions. Empathy is Intentional and is Gentleness, setting the tone for quiet listening and a fresh way to exist peacefully.

“I thought distrust would make you hurt. I only took the Heart out of life and only for this burned.”

There are Self Esteem and Stress Relief Benefits of Expressing your True Innermost Feelings

Feelings are so important to our mental hygiene and even our physical health. We often put a strict filter on how much we allow ourselves to express what is burning within us. Since there is a phrase that says Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, burying the hatchet and taking the risk to say what you love, first breaks barriers to communication and frees the soul.

Balance lives in the Intention behind your Self Expression.

 Words and their power emit from the intention placed behind them. A paradigm shifts when you pause to say “I feel..” instead of “You do this to me…” Taking a conscious approach to living is by making intentionally simple statements that are clear. Remember, statements are made by much more than just using words. As such, a silent protest, or the loud thunder of the silent treatment, has to hear itself. It will elucidate some barriers to communication that we may unconsciously hold up as defenses. Make positive the cause to lift and let go of fear in our interactions with others and have the hard talk with the intention to be sincere and fair.

Personal Freedom and Health in the psyche and spirit come from practicing Authenticity.

 Becoming a well-defined, fully self-expressed, and engaged individual, the ability to function increases, therefore the conditions for living in psychological integration and balance are set. By first loving and accepting oneself fully, authenticity is allowed to stretch out and grow freer from outside pressures and social barriers. How authenticity is roused to life through some playful spontaneity for enjoying and celebrating your personality, coaxing hidden wounds gently and embracing your personal sensitivities, as you become conscious of “self-climes” like your moods, needs, and feelings. By withstanding discomfort over your insecurities, self-consciousness, and vulnerability to allowing yourself to express clearly what is on your mind, and loving oneself for, can even help you be proud of your shadow.

Understanding is a Process, too: What Might it Have to do with Empathy?

 “There is a special kind of suffering that blesses us. Let us acknowledge and live its gifts, because it’s hard to hear a death’s suddenness.”        —–Natalie Botero, M.A.

To heal a relationship that has broken down from a lot of insecurities, truthful blunt communication may have resulted in many accusations. We can never read a person’s mind to the full, so we must endeavor to listen, without getting mad, and try to be patient with the process of learning compassionate communication, or empathically becoming reattuned to your partner and feel the Love in the space between the two. Expressing the anger, in a connective way, is possible as empathy can deescalate fury and constant conflict.

Here’s a case:

As my relationship with my girlfriend continues to be argumentative, I sometimes want to throw in the towel and just give up. I don’t know how to stop becoming defensive and walking out of the room. I want love and connection from my significant other.

I feel guilt over being late on our date nights too many times. When I try to explain why to her, she just doesn’t listen. I feel hurt, shut out and hopeless. I feel I need peace of mind, a sense of security, and a way to be reassured from my partner that she still loves and cares for me.

What do I honestly say or do?

 i have a hunch here, as an empathic person, that she needs and wants the same thing, too. Yes, it’s a process to hear the truth openly, whether it’s good or bad news. I suggest that Understanding is the best quality time spent, to sit together in the process. Ask yourself if you’re willing to listen to her first, to surrender to a request, and be ok with a yes instead of a No? Because after you’ve calmed down with empathy, you might have more ability to be patient with the offset and persist if you care about the both of you by offering moments together in silence.

Sounds familiar too! Lol.

I see you’re already starting to laugh and relax. No one should be able to ask for more than that! Maybe also, by a chance, you can see her perspective and tell her yours last. It’s not about putting yourself last, by any means. It’s a courtesy that love takes as the upper hand. 

What do you feel is her stance? A fear of abandonment or loss or something like that? Maybe an accusation and passive aggressive behavior is occurring because too much time has passed. Upfront and compassionate, a boundary and not a commandment, is the way the two of you could dance.

Well, thank you, I guess, for your kind suggestions and impressions. I am inspired by the challenge of loving lessons. And if I try first and do not succeed, we can always try again…..

It’s worth it. And Remember those thoughtful words that only say Thank you and Please! 

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