Author: nataliebotero

  

 The Make Up of a Breakup 

Separation. You may experience real feelings for the first time. 

How much loss, weariness, heartbreak, loneliness, and the fear of being alone affect us after the end of a relationship! It is the end of an era, the busting of a myth, the fairytale lesson, and the vague confusion and meaninglessness the years spent seem to turn out to be. We suffer because of the existential importance of a Love Life. 

Breaking up is a death, but are you ever relieved that someone is gone? Possible that they have gone to a better place. Just as in the dying of a loved one, there is a death in oneself, and revival. Whether deceased or not, the stages of grief ensue, the realization of needs comes, harboring regrets or righteous rebuttal, and knowing the difficulty of letting go, the relief of being alone, self-preservation.  

You have important needs after the Relationship. The need to rest, to be with yourself or the other people you have been separated from. There are withdrawal pangs and a deep hunger for togetherness. The solace and comfort of friendship may not be present, but your longing for companionship and affection affects you even greater. But be proud enough to say you don’t need to be carefree right now—you did the wrong thing right. 

 Recovery from a Breakup and the Plan for a New Beginning  

You face a change this time. What if this a year alone in celibacy, unless God prompted you to be with another. It is wise to make the most of your time alone or transfer the profound love you have to your new mate. 

If you are alone after a treacherous divorce, you may be relieved to have the freer space or you churn with withdrawal pangs and decisions about intimacy in the future with anyone who has the power to break your heart. Before you are ready. 

Look at what in your life needs time and attention. It may be your work and your social life. It may be the opportune time for gathering friendships, support networks, finding an empathy buddy, and to finally get that practical help.  

Re-commitment to Your Purpose and Passion  

Love, may this be a time of burgeoning your creativity! Creativity is your first burning need. This is what may have been stifled in your previous relationship, which deprived you of your very life’s oxygen. Grab your own potential and do your life’s work in therapy. Perhaps change your environment and change your way of life. Commit to yourself, the kids, and if you are still never done, ask yourself, “How do I do my next relationship right?” 

The Road to Inner Resolution 

At your core, you need the empathizing experience. To dawn a breakthrough, take the road to self-empathy as well as be at peace with your partner’s decision. Be empowered in developing your resolve. Travel from blaming yourself and the other to becoming intimate with your own feelings and needs, and arrive at an understanding of the other, to find peace. If you cannot find finality, walk the road of self-empathy as many times as you need. The steps involve what you truthfully experienced, how it made you distressed, what you came to feel, because what you needed was not honored (or known), and lastly, what you now know and want and yearn for.   

Breakdowns before Breakups  

Realize. Your breakup resulted from the failure to meet unspoken expectations. It died because of ultimatums and their demise. To fight felt true but awful, their control over you taught you how to fight right, but fight nonetheless. When going against each other you were going towards something new yet intangible. And the myth of Mr. Right and Mrs. Right was a painful fairytale lesson.  

Empathy is an exercise for you to discuss what nobody understands, to gain the understanding of yourself and what came in between each other. Empathy is another word for accuracy, to help in divining your truth. And tough things happen because you are supposed to grow. Did you accomplish that? 

It takes an effort to get out of one’s head, one’s ways of thinking, assumptions about how all things should be, etc. Growth comes for all of us from the point when we cannot go anywhere else but out of ourselves. Fulfillment in life is truly about others, not just oneself. All of us need others to keep ourselves from going off the deep ends of our own minds, to see clearly, and to win. Win not in the way of competition or dominance, but fullness, happiness and joy as a social sentient human being craving to contribute outside of himself.  

How many times do we encounter self-destruction, as if we are insulated and make the most destructive choices that negatively affect many people? In the experience of being our Self, there is a time in which we can enter into a space with one another, with conscious effort and will. If you desire to achieve intimacy and full self-expression, the way starts with listening on a deeper level with a mind towards making the effort. To make the effort to cultivate relationship, you can follow these approaches:  

• approach seeing people by welcoming their needs and wants.   

• intend to connect and embrace differences and conflict with openness, trust, and curiosity. 

• transforming judgments into compassion, internally and with words that unify people.  

• beholding the other person in their humanity and as an extension of your own humanity. 

• expressing our vulnerability with an undefended heart, which is extremely powerful in making transformational shifts in ourselves and our relationships.  

It’s Late Tonight  

The mayhem roll tide of the classroom  

The stumbled foot crisis in the realization  

You’re in love. 

The roll tide of longing 

And the mayhem dictating, 

Escalating, 

Our expressions, hidden as 

We write on the chalkboard  

In our memory  

To each other.  

While distance pangs the stomach, 

Yearning stops and starts the blood, 

The distraction in the classroom  

Is only in our heads. 

Going home soon, 

Though trying not to expire 

In the night and choosing the hour 

To believe we will call one another  

Again? 

Probably, but with feeling not easily said 

Startled by the static of concrete electricity  

And missing each other  

Absolutely. 

And holding out another night  

Because of the dread 

And for the impossible thought  

Of her lying in bed. 

It’s late tonight  

I love you, she already said. 

Singing upstream 
Dilutes the song 
Of the Love  
We must take the time 
To conceive we are. 

Some of the things we have been through in life may never fully go away for the rest of our lives, and it can be difficult to find yourself still dealing with the pain erupting into your relationship spontaneously and unexplainably.  

Blaming and shaming is different from disagreeing. Disagreements break out for understandable reasons and can be constructive; sometimes having a heated conversation is necessary. The blame and shame projection pattern that could reoccur in relationships makes things primarily and regularly contentious. Underneath blaming and shaming the other is a pernicious cycle, a manifestation of emotions we have locked up within. The best way out is to speak with empathy, without, of course, blaming the other person, but still explaining how they are affecting you. 

Blaming and shaming is also self-inflicted, self-imposed, and superimposed on others, and minimally gratifying. It has its origins in low self-esteem, disappointments, and the negative feelings produced by having unmet needs. The shaming of the other can sound like name calling, outright insulting, and intentionally triggering the other with a hot button issue. Shaming the other in a disagreement creates a barrier, a barrier that causes one or the other to retreat within; that person mostly rejects the other by withdrawing. Once they are insulated by resentments, they go through the motions in which they are not able to break that barrier, having laid landmines. But those barriers are not irrefutable, they are not impossible to break.  

Insert a focus on empathy and understand these patterns by looking at what happened to yourself and the other as a child in childhood, the time when we first realized we couldn’t do something, when we felt our first limitation. Can you summon the frustration we first felt, how it may have never been processed and resolved because we had no words to describe what we were encountering to any adult who would listen? In your partner, in your family, are those adults still there? And are you ever good enough? Do they act as the object of your projections which left that wounded child confused? Well, you need to talk them out somehow.  

The blame and shame occurences are not necessarily about the present relationship, but you cannot deny that there was an injury committed, then an insult placed on top of it. So, the unconscious is triggered, and anger has the opportunity to express its fury. If this continues to happen, you find yourselves always arguing, you both may feel defeated and at a loss as to how to change. Those times where you lose control, the times when we fall back asleep, we are governed by the child and not by the adult.  

Healing a relationship first occurs through reflection. You have to reflect on what was said, the deed that was done, and the result of what just took place. The opportunity for self-reflection has to be seized. Endeavor to understand and establish accurate insight into exactly why this ever-present, angry monster lurks between you. On the same token, if the blame and shame has been too painful and the barrier is not easily broken down, the time to admit the relationship is unresolvable may come. How do we walk the road of empathy down to the part where we realize our fear of abandonment is underlying all that is between us?  

The first part of any argument is to first blame the other person. Next, we go to internalizing and blaming ourselves. The understanding is that the two of you are supposed to be in an agreement where the one is satisfied emotionally by the other. That thoughtfulness is truly what is expected and that the assumed negligence cannot continue. Before you blame yourself for the flaws they point out, and shame the other for their insulting ways, the word that should enter your mind is: Needs. And needs that the other is not responsible for meeting, but the needs that you have that you are responsible for meeting for yourself.  

Whatever the need—whether it is compassion, understanding, or to matter, there is a deeper driving force polluting our suspicions–Neglect. Arguments are based on the premise that your partner has not acknowledged you, respected your needs, and did not perform thoughtfully. The impulse to complain and vent, and to advertise why you should not be abandoned, does not hold in a cry; it demands to be validated. Yearning needing soothing. From the abandonment and neglect that your parents couldn’t avoid. 

The deep yearning is that this relationship not be tarnished, that the distance is put away and you be close once again, but once you shame your partner you fear a tarnished reputation. The active fear voice goes off like alarms–do you recognize if your fear voice has been unusually loud and dominant lately? 

 

In your mind’s eye, you see images like mental movies. Call upon your Higher Self and Allow your Highest Self essence to come to you; do not force it. Open your heart and connect with that vision. Especially if this is someone you haven’t seen in a while, take the time to take in its energy. Let it affect you emotionally. Be it fear, anger, or grief, embrace those, too. Feel free to make whatever comes to you your own by using words and phrases that are more in line with yourself. Anything to the following effect will work: 

 Dear, Thank you for coming to me in this way at this time. I am now fully aware that I have been carrying your (pain, illness, fear, anger, grief, stress, etc.) in my (back, shoulder, lungs, life, 

I am now aware that I have unconsciously taken this on to get love from you. That worked to some degree— but now no longer does.  

Stay connected to your intention to be in the center of your Higher Self and watch for reactions you have towards the first person who comes to mind. Are you concerned about them, have they been angry towards you, or are they negative and pulling you down? They may have something to say in response. Let them have their say, just like you hoped they would give the chance to speak in the past.  

Now you must begin the deeper work and ask them for permission to return to them what is theirs. Remember. you are talking with another person’s highest self, not their personality or ego. Remember, some of you have been carrying other people’s energy for decades. But now is the time to stop the pattern.  This is theirs, not yours. You are burdened by it, and they are incomplete without it. Trust the process. This may look like a gift, felt as softness in the heart, or the urge to give and receive a warm open hug.