Boundaries, Not Bombs

Available time to spare may not be easy to find. To carve out real intentional, dedicated time for ourselves, we come to the point of establishing Boundaries. From Boundary setting comes possible confrontation with people who resist your desire to change. Down to the next piece is the noticing of possible care taking tendencies you engage in either consciously or unconsciously. If you notice your energy is extending outward compulsively, it can simply start to be redirected to the care taking of ourselves.

SYMPTOMS OF UNMET NEEDS: The need to be somewhere else than where you are, doing what is really most important to you.

·  Worry

·  Ruminating

·  Obsession

·  Daydreaming

·  Yearning

·  Habits

·  Time-wasters

·  Difficulty focusing

·  Procrastination (and its frustrations)

·  Exhaustion

Unpacking is a process of drawing attention to unmet needs, the experience of angst, and the subtle and often unnoticed feelings that not only need clarity, but loving care. Having no weekend alone is a sign that you need one. And I want it to be anything but a time for time-wasters, but a dedicated time to listen to yourself and draw attention to the very important but often neglected interior life.

Easy enough? Not at all. In our culture there is a lot of preaching about setting boundaries, yet the actual turning point we come to is that we cannot avoid having them. This is especially tough when our boundaries are not honored by others. Establishing boundaries can be a period of meeting resistance in yourself and others. I’ve experienced many points in my own life where I was becoming overwhelmed by demands placed on me by others who I realized expected me to perform a certain way, usually out of the impression that I was available to their needs. As good as I was at it for a while, it sooner than later became completely impossible. There were damages to my physical and emotional health, and before I realized it, my life became unmanageable by my willingness to spread myself too thin. What is more, when I realized that my life depended on boundary setting, it became a grueling experience of continual confrontation, which led to arguments, anger, and the risk of losing my connection to others. I needed that time alone to unpack some of the most practical things that needed to get un-done, and what was happening was a strong breaking of my relationship dynamics. My decision to not be as available, or to cut a long conversation short by being more assertive I thought was healthy, but definitely felt awkward.

It is possible to be selfish and virtuous at the same time. Here are some questions to ask yourself where the virtues of taking time out for yourself can prove that it’s worth it to start setting boundaries.

1. What is it like to be the person who everybody relies upon?

2. When you practice changing your ways and let people know, who supports you and who resists you?

3. Write the names of the people who were supportive.

4. Vow to remember what that support felt like and keep that in mind as the way boundaries can continue to be a source of health and encouragement.

5. Watch that list of names grow longer in the positive as you persist in taking care of how you spend your time.